Say their side first
Most people argue to win. The people who actually change minds do something else first: they say the other person's side out loud, and they say it better than the other person did.
It sounds backwards. If you state their case, aren't you helping them? No. You're doing the one thing that lets them stop defending it. It is hard to listen while you're bracing for the next hit. Once someone feels understood, the bracing stops, and that is the first moment they can actually hear you.
The move: say their side first.
Here is what it sounds like in three places. These are made-up examples, but you'll recognize every one of them.
A relative says at dinner, "The whole system is rigged." The reflex is to prove them wrong. Saying their side first sounds like: "You feel like the people in charge stopped listening to people like you, and that would make anyone angry." You haven't agreed with a policy. You've shown you heard the feeling underneath it.
A coworker brings up a hot-button issue at lunch and everyone goes quiet. The reflex is to fire back with your facts. Saying their side first sounds like: "The way you see it, this is about fairness, and you're tired of it being ignored." Now the table is listening to a conversation instead of waiting out a fight.
A friend posts something you strongly disagree with, and you have a reply half typed. The reflex is to hit send. Saying their side first sounds like a message that starts: "I think I understand why this matters to you." You don't have to agree to write it. You only have to be accurate.
Notice the order. You don't give up your position. You go second, and the first thing they hear from you is that you understood them.
There is one way to ruin it: say their side, then say "but." A "but" tells them everything before it was a setup. Say their side, stop, and wait until they say "yes, that's it." Then give yours.
Steal this line: Let me make sure I have your side right before I give you mine.
That's the whole move. This letter comes every Tuesday, one move each time, for talking politics, and anything else people fight over, without the fight.
Who is the one person you can't talk politics with without it turning into a fight? Reply to any issue and tell me.
Gunnar
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